Everybody loses ... part V (sex in a marriage)

Remember Star Wars? Star Wars was not produced or shown in the proper sequence, it took more than a decade before the whole Star Wars saga was completed. Not that I am going to take a whole decade before i finish my 'Everybody loses... ' series but I plan to ape the Star Wars saga by going ahead and writing Part V of my 'Everybody loses ...' series. At the end of the day, its about timeliness and I believe, with all my chatter friends, Saat, Jaja, Carrat and Wna getting married. Gagak will soon be following suit. I think it is the perfect time for me to share what little experience I have regarding marriage. I guess I am in the best position to advise about marriage as mine did not do so well and did not end up well either. I always believe that it is sometimes better to learn what NOT to do than learn what to do.

I remember a scene from Batman begins, in the scene where Thomas Wayne was carrying little Bruce Wayne (after he falls into the well that was filled with bats), Thomas Wayne said, 'The reason why one falls, is so that he can learn to get up'. Now, I am not advocating that everyone must take a tumble so that one can experience the pain for the sake of experience, thats foolishness! But what I am saying is that we can learn from mistakes of others, from people that have been imperfect, people that have made boo-boos in their life, these are the people that we should listen to, with a view of learning and not to ridicule or pass summary judgement.

I am not promoting this as a means to absolve myself from blame or God forbid, to glorify myself. Personally, I think I have been an arse-hole for not listening and I have nobody else to blame but myself for my failures. I am therefore writing this,with the hope that my friends reading this will NOT make the same mistakes I made and learn from someone who has failed. I was at a forum recently during the WCIT and one of the panel members, an american from Silicon Valley, a Venture Capitalist said, 'Things are different here in Malaysia and America, in America, it is all right to fail but it seems failing is not something looked upon favorably in Malaysia'. Even though he said that in the context of starting or operating a business, nonetheless, it is so true of the everyday Malaysian life too. Being a 'janda' or a 'duda' carries with it negative connotations, that one has been an utter failure in life. It becomes so much of a negative stigma that there are men and women out there who would rather suffer a 'hellish' marriage than be divorced.

Anyway, as usual, I am digressing.

Let me bring you back to the topic at hand by telling you that sex in a marriage is important. More importantly, good sex is important in a marriage. In the first year of marriage I don't think that sex is going to be a problem. During this phase of the marriage, any sex is good sex. As a matter of fact, sex is good anywhere! I have been told that sex on the washing machine during the rinse cycle is a mind blowing experience. However, I was also warned that it better be a front loading washing machine. So for those of you couples that have not bought a washing machine, buy one that is front loading. I can already imagine people like Carrat asking me, what position to adopt when doing 'it' on a washing machine? That topic we leave for part VII of Everybody loses.

I think I now have your attention again. Sex has a way of doing that. However, what I want to share is something more important. It is so important, that it could be the differentiator in making your married life a happy one or something that you wake up to every morning. I mean, after three years of marriage, with kids bawling away, how much sex can you have? Nonetheless, sex is still important. My suggestion, make time for sex, set up an appointment for sex if necessary. All these and more you can read or get advise on. There are manuals and books on sex, under various topics and guise. After being married for five years, couples may have sex two or three times a week (if there are no kids). Simply aggregated, a very small percentage of married life is really dedicated to sex, but there are tons and tons of books and literature on sex. There is however, something more important than sex. Something that we need to do everyday but alas, many neglect to do. If you are to read a marriage manual, most probably there is only one chapter dedicated to the topic. If sex is liken to the foundation of a marriage, I liken this as the ground that you put up your foundation on.

But very little attention is given to this important activity that is also the cement that glues a marriage. Maybe because it is something that is outwardly done by every couples, something that people witness everyday, that it so easily becomes taken for granted. It is expected (unlike sex) that all couples are supposed to be 'naturally' good at it. Possibly that is the reason why, there are not many manuals or books on the topic. Let me not dilly dally on the subject any further.

What I would like to share with you young couples out there, In addition to having good sex, it is critical that couples also have good communications. I am not referring to 'talking' here. Everybody talks, all couple talks and I guess therein lies the problem, people equate talking to communicating. Talking is merely one of the means of communicating but it is NOT communicating! Some dictionary may define Communication as an interaction that leads to understanding. Personally, I find that definition rather shallow. Communicating is multi-dimensional, it is NOT ONLY about talking, but also the nuances, tones and the interaction and inter-play of body language, and finally coalensing into an understanding (in both parties) not only at the logical level but also an emotional acceptance. If you understand what I am trying to communicate here, then you will find new meaning to those words you uttered, in your vows, when you said you will love your partner body and soul....

If you take this lightly and you start taking things for granted and you equate talking to communicating,then you are treading on that road, you may be beginning your journey where everybody loses . . .