Monday, June 16, 2008

Wham ...Bam.. Thank you.. Ma'am ....

My rantings today is potentially on a very touchy subject with a possibility of bruising many egos. In general, men are rather 'simple' people, with little or minimal ego (or so they say). They can accept a lot of bruising remarks such as they are short, they are not handsome or even they are not smart. Many can hear these disparaging remarks and smile. Many even join in the fun and laugh. Superficially, men has little ego and in general I can accept that, except when it comes to that 'touchy' subject! The 'touchy' subject I am referring to is his 'manliness'. It is all about.... Men being Men ...... Over the years the benchmark or the acceptable traits of being a Man have changed with society. It used to be that men do not cry, but now it is an acceptable norm for men to shed tears in order to show their sensitive side. Women find 'sensitive' men to be more endearing. Some so called 'manly' man refers to these 'sensitive' men as poofs. Obviously the line is still unclear with a very wide swath of grey. However, underneath all those ripples of re-definitions as to what defines a man, one bedrock perception remains unchanged, a man's 'manliness' is measured by his performance in bed (or so he thinks). For a man to be a man he has to be rock-hard at the snap of a finger and make a woman moan and scream for hours on ends.

A man's prowess in bed is his ultimate measure. How long could he last? Was he able to make his partner scream and shout and cry in ecstacy? How 'big' is he? These seems to take center stage when it comes to defining a man! Thus, begins man's ego trip, emulating John Lennon and Yoko Ono spending their honeymoon in bed for a whole month. Men would then start measuring themselves to how 'big' they are, how long they can last in bed etc. Thus begins the boasting match, that he can have sex and last for hours. To top it all he can have sex 20 times in a day. Totalling all that, he is a man-god, the sexual desire of all women in the world. Mathematically, we know its a boast as it simply cannot be achieved, have sex 20 times in a day and each one lasting for hours, wow and a double wow! Rabbits can do it though, rabbits last less than a minute but they can do it every five minutes or so. I have seen a single male rabbit easily have a harem of 10 females and be able to 'service' all 10 within the hour.

A recent Durex survey shows that sex for men on the average last 8 - 15 minutes. Obviously, this does not include foreplay. As a rule of thumb, women prefers longer foreplay and men prefers shorter foreplay. I guess women likes to flirt but men just like to 'put' it in and get it over with. For a woman, there has to be romance in love making. I remember an article which basically advocate that love making for a woman starts from the first 'hello'. Whereas for a man, it starts on the bed. There lies the discrepancy, a woman's need for romance and a man's approach of 'wham.. bam.. thank you.. ma'am'. The many journals that I read on the subject also shows that men do not have to emulate Hercules in bed, love making do not have to last for hours. It seems the average is about 30 - 45 minutes including foreplay. Actual penetration only lasting about 8 - 15 minutes. Those numbers somehow makes it less challenging and much more achievable.

However, there are a group of selfish men out there. I say selfish because all they care about is their own satisfaction, many a times leaving their partners high and dry. These are the true 'wham.. bam.. thank you.. ma'am' group. These are the men that last less than 3 minutes ( many even have pre-mature ejaculations). Note that these men do not even measure up to the average 8 - 15 minutes national average. Normally, these men also equate a kiss to foreplay. Interestingly, these are the same men that go around claiming that they are olympians in bed, doing the marathon nightly. My sympathies go to their poor partners, who had to spend more time taking off their clothes than actually 'doing it'. They were hardly warmed up before suddenly the men rolling over and snoring in no time. Based on random sampling, it was found that 80% of wives undergo this experience 80% of the time.

Why am I writing this? I am writing this as a reminder to my many friends who have just got married. Normally sex is great during the first year of marraige. I call the first year, the year of exploration. Its like a trip to the Amazon jungles, everything is so exciting, there are so many things to be explored. There are mountains to climb, valleys to loiter, warms pools to take a dip in. For the first few weeks, a simple touch would send electrical sparks all over ending with a humping session wherever it would be (including the rinse cycle on a washing machine). Sex is great, something to look forward to and enjoyed by both party. However, after that year 1 is over, when the excitement of exploration is all over and done with, where one have traverse the overall geography. Where previously tall mountains, now does not seem so tall anymore, the jungle no more as mysterious as it use to be. What use to be a jungle trek, something exciting, visiting new places and finding new things, it is now merely passing familiar grounds, seeing the same bushes, taking a dip in the same pool week in and week after. What used to be an exciting journey is becoming a mere visitation, just visiting familiar nooks and crannies. I guess this is where the yawns begin, thats its about nature's urges, its just, 'wham... bam... thank you'am'. Well, maybe the 2nd year is too early, it may be the 3rd year. It could be any year really, but the reality is that it happens and soon sex becomes a chore. It becomes the responsibility of the wife to 'open up' for the husband. It becomes a routine, sort of, a week-end matinee or to some, an obligatory 'malam jumaat'.

The situation could get worse, if somewhere along the line a baby came along. Then a lot of time and energy is spent in looking after the baby that sex becomes an additional burden for the wife. Sometimes, one cannot cease to be amaze at the expectations of men. Men expect women to clean the house, wash the clothes, iron, cook and in many instances also work and at the same time be their sex slave. The irony to it all is that after all the sacrifices a woman has to make, it all ends up with a less than 3 minutes 'wham.. bam.. thank you.. ma'am' sex. That can be so frustrating!

My advise to my brothers who have just gotten married, gotten your first child or going to get married, to never take your partner for granted. Experience tells me that sex is more enjoyable and fulfilling if your partner is enjoying it. Sex is more fun when it is not a responsibility or a chore. I may seem to be repeating myself, but you don't know how important this concept is, that sex is an act of giving and taking and not 'wham..bam.. thank you ma'am'. Today, you may totally disagree with me, that today you are having great fulfilling sex and it will last forever. If those are your thoughts, I guess you are still in your exploratory years of your marraige. Remember what I said when years later you are about to take a dip in the same pond and suddenly you find the water cold .......

Your thoughts and feedback are more than welcome .... let us share..

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Everybody loses ... part V (sex in a marriage)

Remember Star Wars? Star Wars was not produced or shown in the proper sequence, it took more than a decade before the whole Star Wars saga was completed. Not that I am going to take a whole decade before i finish my 'Everybody loses... ' series but I plan to ape the Star Wars saga by going ahead and writing Part V of my 'Everybody loses ...' series. At the end of the day, its about timeliness and I believe, with all my chatter friends, Saat, Jaja, Carrat and Wna getting married. Gagak will soon be following suit. I think it is the perfect time for me to share what little experience I have regarding marriage. I guess I am in the best position to advise about marriage as mine did not do so well and did not end up well either. I always believe that it is sometimes better to learn what NOT to do than learn what to do.

I remember a scene from Batman begins, in the scene where Thomas Wayne was carrying little Bruce Wayne (after he falls into the well that was filled with bats), Thomas Wayne said, 'The reason why one falls, is so that he can learn to get up'. Now, I am not advocating that everyone must take a tumble so that one can experience the pain for the sake of experience, thats foolishness! But what I am saying is that we can learn from mistakes of others, from people that have been imperfect, people that have made boo-boos in their life, these are the people that we should listen to, with a view of learning and not to ridicule or pass summary judgement.

I am not promoting this as a means to absolve myself from blame or God forbid, to glorify myself. Personally, I think I have been an arse-hole for not listening and I have nobody else to blame but myself for my failures. I am therefore writing this,with the hope that my friends reading this will NOT make the same mistakes I made and learn from someone who has failed. I was at a forum recently during the WCIT and one of the panel members, an american from Silicon Valley, a Venture Capitalist said, 'Things are different here in Malaysia and America, in America, it is all right to fail but it seems failing is not something looked upon favorably in Malaysia'. Even though he said that in the context of starting or operating a business, nonetheless, it is so true of the everyday Malaysian life too. Being a 'janda' or a 'duda' carries with it negative connotations, that one has been an utter failure in life. It becomes so much of a negative stigma that there are men and women out there who would rather suffer a 'hellish' marriage than be divorced.

Anyway, as usual, I am digressing.

Let me bring you back to the topic at hand by telling you that sex in a marriage is important. More importantly, good sex is important in a marriage. In the first year of marriage I don't think that sex is going to be a problem. During this phase of the marriage, any sex is good sex. As a matter of fact, sex is good anywhere! I have been told that sex on the washing machine during the rinse cycle is a mind blowing experience. However, I was also warned that it better be a front loading washing machine. So for those of you couples that have not bought a washing machine, buy one that is front loading. I can already imagine people like Carrat asking me, what position to adopt when doing 'it' on a washing machine? That topic we leave for part VII of Everybody loses.

I think I now have your attention again. Sex has a way of doing that. However, what I want to share is something more important. It is so important, that it could be the differentiator in making your married life a happy one or something that you wake up to every morning. I mean, after three years of marriage, with kids bawling away, how much sex can you have? Nonetheless, sex is still important. My suggestion, make time for sex, set up an appointment for sex if necessary. All these and more you can read or get advise on. There are manuals and books on sex, under various topics and guise. After being married for five years, couples may have sex two or three times a week (if there are no kids). Simply aggregated, a very small percentage of married life is really dedicated to sex, but there are tons and tons of books and literature on sex. There is however, something more important than sex. Something that we need to do everyday but alas, many neglect to do. If you are to read a marriage manual, most probably there is only one chapter dedicated to the topic. If sex is liken to the foundation of a marriage, I liken this as the ground that you put up your foundation on.

But very little attention is given to this important activity that is also the cement that glues a marriage. Maybe because it is something that is outwardly done by every couples, something that people witness everyday, that it so easily becomes taken for granted. It is expected (unlike sex) that all couples are supposed to be 'naturally' good at it. Possibly that is the reason why, there are not many manuals or books on the topic. Let me not dilly dally on the subject any further.

What I would like to share with you young couples out there, In addition to having good sex, it is critical that couples also have good communications. I am not referring to 'talking' here. Everybody talks, all couple talks and I guess therein lies the problem, people equate talking to communicating. Talking is merely one of the means of communicating but it is NOT communicating! Some dictionary may define Communication as an interaction that leads to understanding. Personally, I find that definition rather shallow. Communicating is multi-dimensional, it is NOT ONLY about talking, but also the nuances, tones and the interaction and inter-play of body language, and finally coalensing into an understanding (in both parties) not only at the logical level but also an emotional acceptance. If you understand what I am trying to communicate here, then you will find new meaning to those words you uttered, in your vows, when you said you will love your partner body and soul....

If you take this lightly and you start taking things for granted and you equate talking to communicating,then you are treading on that road, you may be beginning your journey where everybody loses . . .

Friday, May 16, 2008

Everybody loses ... part 1

On weekends I become a baby-sitter. Not that she is a baby anymore, my daughter turned 11 a few days ago. It just seemed like yesterday that she was that little baby that barely fits in my arm and today she is telling me that I am old fashion and she wonders why I cannot appreciate Maroon 5. 'Babah, don't you think Chris Daughtry rocks?'. I' ll be damned, I don't even know if that is how you spell Daughtry. All I know is that every morning, when I am sending her to school, I am bombarded by this 'noise' she calls music. But intermittenly, there are a couple of songs that I can associate with and those seem to be her favourite songs. I surmise therefore that some of my genes did get passed down to her. She would tell me that the songs are so sad. Looks like that she is growing up to be as sentimental as me. I don't know if that is good or bad.
I am glad that sending her to school every morning takes easily half an hour. Its a half hour where I have her all to myself and I am able to 'talk' to her. A time for me to try and impart what little experience I have and more importantly, to tell and show her that I love and have not abandoned her in anyway. I have heard too many horror stories of children from broken marraiges grow up 'lost', feeling abandoned, unloved and finally reaching adulthood truly lost in an unforgiving world. Children are truly the victims of a broken marraige, therefore, I am trying very hard, even though sometimes I have to make difficult sacrifices, to make sure that my daughter grows up like any other normal child that has the love of both parents.
With such passion and committment, it makes one wonder, why even get divorced in the first place? Why don't I, just like millions of families out there, takes life's punches, grit my teeth and retain the family unit for the sake of the children? Why can't I make that ultimate sacrifice, for the sake of an innocent life? A child that never asked to be born in the first place! Is my personal well being and so called 'freedom' more important than that of this soon-to-be teenager that calls me 'babah'? After all these years, these questions still haunt me but are they indications that I regretted the divorce?
Some people may label me selfish. Others may say I am being irresponsible. There will also be those that will tag me as a hypocrite. I would nod my head and smile, but you would not see the pain inside me. The scar that still bleeds, when even lightly scratched. Underneath all those laughter and 'unsenonohness' as one blogger puts it, could anyone even hear the whimper of hurt? Society sympathises with single mothers but somehow society forgets that there are such things as 'single fathers' too.
The world is so driven by the need to win. It is so competitive and everything around us are labelled as winners or losers. It is always, the winning brand, the winning team, the number 1 as the ultimate orgasmic rush. Society benchmarks and measures things by wins and loses. The reality of Life however, can be so tangential. Its not about winning or losing, its about understanding, about coming to terms; its about being at peace! Its about living in harmony. To many, a harmonious and perfect life is where a family unit remains intact. In the eyes of society, I could not maintain mine, I destroyed the family structure. Does that make me a loser? I say NO! because in cases like mine, everybody loses . . .

Thursday, May 15, 2008

CUP SIZE - Berat mata memandang

Saudara Saat telah mengemukakan satu soalan yang 'berat' untuk di jawab. Ia nya 'berat' dari banyak segi. Dari segi fizikal, kalau besar sangat, berat berkilo mau nya. Bayangkan lah kalau kita lelaki pon, kene bawa merata 'barang' berat 2 kilo yang di lekatkan di dada, 24 jam sehari, 7 hari seminggu, tak larat dibuatnye. Dari segi emosi pulak, bayangkan merata kene bawa 'barang' yang menonjol kat dada, asyik di pandang lelaki aje pulak tu, takkan rimas jadinya? Bak kata orang tua, 'Berat mata memandang, berat lagi bahu memikul'.

Tapi, apa nak di kata? Ianya bukan satu pilihan. Macam boleh cabut-cabut pulak, bila tak mau guna bole simpan dalam cabinet kat rumah. Tapi kekadang terlintas jugak di hati, bagus jugak kalau 'benda' ni boleh di cabut dan di simpan di rumah. Mungkin kurang la sikit kes rogol, kurang la kes meraba dan molestation. Boleh la bagi emak bapak jaga 'benda' tu masa kita pergi kerja. Kalau dah bersuami, boleh la suruh suami jagakan. Kalau suami rindu, boleh la usap-usap benda tu, cium apa yang patut. Kalau anak lapar boleh bagi anak isap susu tak perlu tunggu emak budak tu balik. Alangkah seronok nya! Kalau suami rajin bole la hantar 'benda' tu pergi polish ke, taruh spring lebeh ke,bagi tambah pantulan. Memang seronok kalau boleh di cabut.

Tapi itu dah cerita mengarut. Satu alam fantasi yang tak mungkin jadi. Yang nyata, 'benda' tu tergantung di dada, memang berat punya cerita. Jadi, aku harap kaum lelaki boleh appreciate sikit, permasaalahan kaum perempuan demi menjamu mata kaum lelaki.

On the other hand, there is always the other side of the coin. Uncomfortable it may be, lugging around a set of jugs, BUT... hanya kaum perempuan saja, bole berlari dengan begitu laju tanpa menumpahkan susu setitis pon... hahahahahahaha

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

CUP SIZE - Does it matter?

From a man who is supposedly obsessed with cup sizes (translate that to boob sizes) I don't really know where to begin. When it comes to a no-start situation like this, I would always say, let us start from the beginning. Let us frame that age old question, why are men fascinated and in some cases totally obsessed with boobs?

Before I go any further, I would like to dedicate my rantings today to TOTOT, my good singaporean friend who has totally corrupted my mind with boobs, boobs and nothing but boobs. Simply said, singaporeans do corrupt! But I am am digressing.

Going back to that million dollar business question, why do men find boobs to be so fascinating? For goodness sake, if we think about it, during our school days, boobs were then known as mammary glands. All mammals have mammary glands, to suckle their young, which is a characteristic of a mammal. Human beings are mammals. Those are facts and they are not rocket science, so there we go, wherein lies the answer? Why are men fascinated with boobs and does size matter?

I postulate that the reason underlying this overwhelming obsession begins during infancy. To a baby, the mother's breast is the primary source of sustenance. Normally, as soon as the baby cries, out comes the breast and the nipple get stuffed into the baby's mouth. This happens and is repeated day in day out for about two years. I realised too that while suckling, the baby tends to play with the other nipple or just 'playing' with the other breast. In many ways it soothes the child and gives the child security and comfort. That becomes habit forming doesn't it? So I guess it is no great wonder that men being men, (who are really overgrown babies really), never outgrow their mother's breasts and psychologically find a pair of boobs comforting!

Given that premise, does size matter? I don't think so. All men want is a pair of boobs to 'play' with, as a security blanket. Is there anything wrong with that? Is there anything sexual about that? Far from it being wrong or sexual in nature, it cannot even be considered a sexual harrasment if a man was to admire a woman boobs, as all he is doing is reminiscing of the comfort of his childhood.

Given the same premise, I cannot understand why some women go under the blade to make them 'bigger' , 'rounder', more prominent etc. Therein lies the question, when it comes to size, is it something that the men want or is it something that women think the men want?

All we want is something comforting ;-) - hahahahahaha

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Baby Walk

Wow, that one got posted and I may just be getting the hang of this thing.
Some of you who knows me may be wondering, why did I have 'student' listed under my profile. No, it was never my intent to throw anyone a curve ball. I am a student. I just enrolled at UKM and I will soon be getting my student ID. Thats a mind blower really, me? at this age? a student? Some of my real life friends may even be wondering, why would someone like me (someone who has made a career out of conducting courses and giving seminars and at my age) wants to enrol as a student. Maybe its a statement I am trying to make. A message for all the 'young' people out there, that studying knows NO age limit and that gathering knowledge is a life-long experience.
Recently, we had a meeting of all the students that is being supervised by my Supervisor. I was easily, the most 'matured' in the group. They were very kind though and made comments about learning from me etc. To be totally honest, I was totally lost. I can't even begin to understand the research papers that they are researching. I initially thought that given my experience and knowledge,that doing my PhD would be a breeze. What more with the experiences that I had accummulated in preparing proposals, writing reports and doing presentations, but if this meeting is any indication, doing my PhD will be anything BUT a breeze.
Wow, my first baby walk, as a student. Again! Somehow at this age, going back to school and becoming a student again seems awkward. I keep telling myself, for goodness sake, I had given lectures at UKM before but somehow, this time around, coming in through those gates as a student, I somehow feel different. I feel excited and scared at the same time. Maybe its a feeling of apprehension. Its that unknown frontier, I guess driving in as a speaker or lecturer gives one a different aura, a sense of control. A different feeling altogether as compared to coming in as a student. Somehow, even with the secured knowledge that my PhD thesis is on a subject I am supposed to be an expert in (Entrepreneurship) does not help. I can feel my heart palpitating. It feels like I am going on my very first date and I am planning to touch her hand for the very first time. Is this perspiration on my forehead?
wish me luck guys!