Everybody loses ... part V (sex in a marriage)

Remember Star Wars? Star Wars was not produced or shown in the proper sequence, it took more than a decade before the whole Star Wars saga was completed. Not that I am going to take a whole decade before i finish my 'Everybody loses... ' series but I plan to ape the Star Wars saga by going ahead and writing Part V of my 'Everybody loses ...' series. At the end of the day, its about timeliness and I believe, with all my chatter friends, Saat, Jaja, Carrat and Wna getting married. Gagak will soon be following suit. I think it is the perfect time for me to share what little experience I have regarding marriage. I guess I am in the best position to advise about marriage as mine did not do so well and did not end up well either. I always believe that it is sometimes better to learn what NOT to do than learn what to do.

I remember a scene from Batman begins, in the scene where Thomas Wayne was carrying little Bruce Wayne (after he falls into the well that was filled with bats), Thomas Wayne said, 'The reason why one falls, is so that he can learn to get up'. Now, I am not advocating that everyone must take a tumble so that one can experience the pain for the sake of experience, thats foolishness! But what I am saying is that we can learn from mistakes of others, from people that have been imperfect, people that have made boo-boos in their life, these are the people that we should listen to, with a view of learning and not to ridicule or pass summary judgement.

I am not promoting this as a means to absolve myself from blame or God forbid, to glorify myself. Personally, I think I have been an arse-hole for not listening and I have nobody else to blame but myself for my failures. I am therefore writing this,with the hope that my friends reading this will NOT make the same mistakes I made and learn from someone who has failed. I was at a forum recently during the WCIT and one of the panel members, an american from Silicon Valley, a Venture Capitalist said, 'Things are different here in Malaysia and America, in America, it is all right to fail but it seems failing is not something looked upon favorably in Malaysia'. Even though he said that in the context of starting or operating a business, nonetheless, it is so true of the everyday Malaysian life too. Being a 'janda' or a 'duda' carries with it negative connotations, that one has been an utter failure in life. It becomes so much of a negative stigma that there are men and women out there who would rather suffer a 'hellish' marriage than be divorced.

Anyway, as usual, I am digressing.

Let me bring you back to the topic at hand by telling you that sex in a marriage is important. More importantly, good sex is important in a marriage. In the first year of marriage I don't think that sex is going to be a problem. During this phase of the marriage, any sex is good sex. As a matter of fact, sex is good anywhere! I have been told that sex on the washing machine during the rinse cycle is a mind blowing experience. However, I was also warned that it better be a front loading washing machine. So for those of you couples that have not bought a washing machine, buy one that is front loading. I can already imagine people like Carrat asking me, what position to adopt when doing 'it' on a washing machine? That topic we leave for part VII of Everybody loses.

I think I now have your attention again. Sex has a way of doing that. However, what I want to share is something more important. It is so important, that it could be the differentiator in making your married life a happy one or something that you wake up to every morning. I mean, after three years of marriage, with kids bawling away, how much sex can you have? Nonetheless, sex is still important. My suggestion, make time for sex, set up an appointment for sex if necessary. All these and more you can read or get advise on. There are manuals and books on sex, under various topics and guise. After being married for five years, couples may have sex two or three times a week (if there are no kids). Simply aggregated, a very small percentage of married life is really dedicated to sex, but there are tons and tons of books and literature on sex. There is however, something more important than sex. Something that we need to do everyday but alas, many neglect to do. If you are to read a marriage manual, most probably there is only one chapter dedicated to the topic. If sex is liken to the foundation of a marriage, I liken this as the ground that you put up your foundation on.

But very little attention is given to this important activity that is also the cement that glues a marriage. Maybe because it is something that is outwardly done by every couples, something that people witness everyday, that it so easily becomes taken for granted. It is expected (unlike sex) that all couples are supposed to be 'naturally' good at it. Possibly that is the reason why, there are not many manuals or books on the topic. Let me not dilly dally on the subject any further.

What I would like to share with you young couples out there, In addition to having good sex, it is critical that couples also have good communications. I am not referring to 'talking' here. Everybody talks, all couple talks and I guess therein lies the problem, people equate talking to communicating. Talking is merely one of the means of communicating but it is NOT communicating! Some dictionary may define Communication as an interaction that leads to understanding. Personally, I find that definition rather shallow. Communicating is multi-dimensional, it is NOT ONLY about talking, but also the nuances, tones and the interaction and inter-play of body language, and finally coalensing into an understanding (in both parties) not only at the logical level but also an emotional acceptance. If you understand what I am trying to communicate here, then you will find new meaning to those words you uttered, in your vows, when you said you will love your partner body and soul....

If you take this lightly and you start taking things for granted and you equate talking to communicating,then you are treading on that road, you may be beginning your journey where everybody loses . . .

Everybody loses ... part 1

On weekends I become a baby-sitter. Not that she is a baby anymore, my daughter turned 11 a few days ago. It just seemed like yesterday that she was that little baby that barely fits in my arm and today she is telling me that I am old fashion and she wonders why I cannot appreciate Maroon 5. 'Babah, don't you think Chris Daughtry rocks?'. I' ll be damned, I don't even know if that is how you spell Daughtry. All I know is that every morning, when I am sending her to school, I am bombarded by this 'noise' she calls music. But intermittenly, there are a couple of songs that I can associate with and those seem to be her favourite songs. I surmise therefore that some of my genes did get passed down to her. She would tell me that the songs are so sad. Looks like that she is growing up to be as sentimental as me. I don't know if that is good or bad.

I am glad that sending her to school every morning takes easily half an hour. Its a half hour where I have her all to myself and I am able to 'talk' to her. A time for me to try and impart what little experience I have and more importantly, to tell and show her that I love and have not abandoned her in anyway. I have heard too many horror stories of children from broken marraiges grow up 'lost', feeling abandoned, unloved and finally reaching adulthood truly lost in an unforgiving world. Children are truly the victims of a broken marraige, therefore, I am trying very hard, even though sometimes I have to make difficult sacrifices, to make sure that my daughter grows up like any other normal child that has the love of both parents.

With such passion and committment, it makes one wonder, why even get divorced in the first place? Why don't I, just like millions of families out there, takes life's punches, grit my teeth and retain the family unit for the sake of the children? Why can't I make that ultimate sacrifice, for the sake of an innocent life? A child that never asked to be born in the first place! Is my personal well being and so called 'freedom' more important than that of this soon-to-be teenager that calls me 'babah'? After all these years, these questions still haunt me but are they indications that I regretted the divorce?

Some people may label me selfish. Others may say I am being irresponsible. There will also be those that will tag me as a hypocrite. I would nod my head and smile, but you would not see the pain inside me. The scar that still bleeds, when even lightly scratched. Underneath all those laughter and 'unsenonohness' as one blogger puts it, could anyone even hear the whimper of hurt? Society sympathises with single mothers but somehow society forgets that there are such things as 'single fathers' too.

The world is so driven by the need to win. It is so competitive and everything around us are labelled as winners or losers. It is always, the winning brand, the winning team, the number 1 as the ultimate orgasmic rush. Society benchmarks and measures things by wins and loses. The reality of Life however, can be so tangential. Its not about winning or losing, its about understanding, about coming to terms; its about being at peace! Its about living in harmony. To many, a harmonious and perfect life is where a family unit remains intact. In the eyes of society, I could not maintain mine, I destroyed the family structure. Does that make me a loser? I say NO! because in cases like mine, everybody loses . . .

CUP SIZE - Berat mata memandang

Saudara Saat telah mengemukakan satu soalan yang 'berat' untuk di jawab. Ia nya 'berat' dari banyak segi. Dari segi fizikal, kalau besar sangat, berat berkilo mau nya. Bayangkan lah kalau kita lelaki pon, kene bawa merata 'barang' berat 2 kilo yang di lekatkan di dada, 24 jam sehari, 7 hari seminggu, tak larat dibuatnye. Dari segi emosi pulak, bayangkan merata kene bawa 'barang' yang menonjol kat dada, asyik di pandang lelaki aje pulak tu, takkan rimas jadinya? Bak kata orang tua, 'Berat mata memandang, berat lagi bahu memikul'.

Tapi, apa nak di kata? Ianya bukan satu pilihan. Macam boleh cabut-cabut pulak, bila tak mau guna bole simpan dalam cabinet kat rumah. Tapi kekadang terlintas jugak di hati, bagus jugak kalau 'benda' ni boleh di cabut dan di simpan di rumah. Mungkin kurang la sikit kes rogol, kurang la kes meraba dan molestation. Boleh la bagi emak bapak jaga 'benda' tu masa kita pergi kerja. Kalau dah bersuami, boleh la suruh suami jagakan. Kalau suami rindu, boleh la usap-usap benda tu, cium apa yang patut. Kalau anak lapar boleh bagi anak isap susu tak perlu tunggu emak budak tu balik. Alangkah seronok nya! Kalau suami rajin bole la hantar 'benda' tu pergi polish ke, taruh spring lebeh ke,bagi tambah pantulan. Memang seronok kalau boleh di cabut.

Tapi itu dah cerita mengarut. Satu alam fantasi yang tak mungkin jadi. Yang nyata, 'benda' tu tergantung di dada, memang berat punya cerita. Jadi, aku harap kaum lelaki boleh appreciate sikit, permasaalahan kaum perempuan demi menjamu mata kaum lelaki.

On the other hand, there is always the other side of the coin. Uncomfortable it may be, lugging around a set of jugs, BUT... hanya kaum perempuan saja, bole berlari dengan begitu laju tanpa menumpahkan susu setitis pon... hahahahahahaha

CUP SIZE - Does it matter?

From a man who is supposedly obsessed with cup sizes (translate that to boob sizes) I don't really know where to begin. When it comes to a no-start situation like this, I would always say, let us start from the beginning. Let us frame that age old question, why are men fascinated and in some cases totally obsessed with boobs?

Before I go any further, I would like to dedicate my rantings today to TOTOT, my good singaporean friend who has totally corrupted my mind with boobs, boobs and nothing but boobs. Simply said, singaporeans do corrupt! But I am am digressing.

Going back to that million dollar business question, why do men find boobs to be so fascinating? For goodness sake, if we think about it, during our school days, boobs were then known as mammary glands. All mammals have mammary glands, to suckle their young, which is a characteristic of a mammal. Human beings are mammals. Those are facts and they are not rocket science, so there we go, wherein lies the answer? Why are men fascinated with boobs and does size matter?

I postulate that the reason underlying this overwhelming obsession begins during infancy. To a baby, the mother's breast is the primary source of sustenance. Normally, as soon as the baby cries, out comes the breast and the nipple get stuffed into the baby's mouth. This happens and is repeated day in day out for about two years. I realised too that while suckling, the baby tends to play with the other nipple or just 'playing' with the other breast. In many ways it soothes the child and gives the child security and comfort. That becomes habit forming doesn't it? So I guess it is no great wonder that men being men, (who are really overgrown babies really), never outgrow their mother's breasts and psychologically find a pair of boobs comforting!

Given that premise, does size matter? I don't think so. All men want is a pair of boobs to 'play' with, as a security blanket. Is there anything wrong with that? Is there anything sexual about that? Far from it being wrong or sexual in nature, it cannot even be considered a sexual harrasment if a man was to admire a woman boobs, as all he is doing is reminiscing of the comfort of his childhood.

Given the same premise, I cannot understand why some women go under the blade to make them 'bigger' , 'rounder', more prominent etc. Therein lies the question, when it comes to size, is it something that the men want or is it something that women think the men want?

All we want is something comforting ;-) - hahahahahaha

Baby Walk

Wow, that one got posted and I may just be getting the hang of this thing.

Some of you who knows me may be wondering, why did I have 'student' listed under my profile. No, it was never my intent to throw anyone a curve ball. I am a student. I just enrolled at UKM and I will soon be getting my student ID. Thats a mind blower really, me? at this age? a student? Some of my real life friends may even be wondering, why would someone like me (someone who has made a career out of conducting courses and giving seminars and at my age) wants to enrol as a student. Maybe its a statement I am trying to make. A message for all the 'young' people out there, that studying knows NO age limit and that gathering knowledge is a life-long experience.

Recently, we had a meeting of all the students that is being supervised by my Supervisor. I was easily, the most 'matured' in the group. They were very kind though and made comments about learning from me etc. To be totally honest, I was totally lost. I can't even begin to understand the research papers that they are researching. I initially thought that given my experience and knowledge,that doing my PhD would be a breeze. What more with the experiences that I had accummulated in preparing proposals, writing reports and doing presentations, but if this meeting is any indication, doing my PhD will be anything BUT a breeze.

Wow, my first baby walk, as a student. Again! Somehow at this age, going back to school and becoming a student again seems awkward. I keep telling myself, for goodness sake, I had given lectures at UKM before but somehow, this time around, coming in through those gates as a student, I somehow feel different. I feel excited and scared at the same time. Maybe its a feeling of apprehension. Its that unknown frontier, I guess driving in as a speaker or lecturer gives one a different aura, a sense of control. A different feeling altogether as compared to coming in as a student. Somehow, even with the secured knowledge that my PhD thesis is on a subject I am supposed to be an expert in (Entrepreneurship) does not help. I can feel my heart palpitating. It feels like I am going on my very first date and I am planning to touch her hand for the very first time. Is this perspiration on my forehead?

wish me luck guys!